Am I Weak?


"Hi Tia, I stumbled across your page and I'm grateful it exists. However, I feel guilty even looking at pages like yours. I feel like I'm giving up before I've even really begun. 
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about a year and I have tried one round of fertility medication.
I, too, am a Type A personality and constantly feel like a failure.
I obsessively do HPT's (home pregnancy tests) as my cycles are super long. I have watched a close friend go through four year of fertility treatments and have seen the toll.
I had a talk with my husband and said that I want to stop thinking about it, talking about it and actively trying. 
It's all I think about. I feel like I am causing us both so much misery otherwise.
Am I just being weak? 
Should I exhaust all options before getting to this point? 
I want to relax and just enjoy my life but am equally worried I'm making a mistake."

It's not uncommon to receive messages similar to this on Instagram, where I feel most connected to my community. And I truly take pride in being able to reach out and help find solutions that make the most sense to these individuals.
Everyone has different needs with their motivation and direction, and for this particular woman, she just needed it in black and white.

"Do you want the honest advice or the fluffy advice?"

"Give it to me straight. I get enough fluff in my life."

She is most definitely a girl after my own heart.

This is what I offered...

"Hey girl, good, OK, I figured if you are asking me you aren't looking for some fluffy, foo foo advice. there are a couple issues in your statement I want to address. 

One - you are not weak for stopping at any point. Even if you stop before you start. You have listen to what's in your heart and not your brain for these type of big decisions because your heart and brain are going to war with each other. 

So, if your heart is telling you to keep going, you want to pursue what you think is the best route based on that type of intuition.

Your brain is going to constantly stop you from pursuing things that are scary and unknown.

Secondly, there is no such thing for a Type A person to just sit back and let life come. I understand you want a break from the chaos, but if you're going to hit this hard and try for kids and are realizing it's not as easy as the 'oopsy-daisy' we all hope for, then my advice is to go all in and actually go for it and stop trying to find the easy way. 

You're in it, you need to go for it. Commit and do what you need to do with what your personal limits are. With these type of things, I have realized there is no balance to your life, you are either fully consumed with trying to make a baby or you're not. It's okay to be one or the other, but the in-between if the mind fuck.

What I'm telling you is it's fully acceptable to be obsessed with baby making. It's okay. It's part of our biology as women. 

What's not okay is indulging in the gray area in between. 
You either commit or you walk away, and I think you need to come to terms with what makes the most sense in your life.

You're not an in-between type of person if you are a Type A person.

I hope this helps. Keep me in the loop and let me know what you decide. Chances are, your heart already knows what you're going to do. It sounds like you are just looking for a bit of motivation to go all in on yourself. That's how I'm interpreting it."

This is hard, point-blank advice that can be difficult to digest.
However, I believe it is so worth the effort to dive into our convictions to make sense of the chaos.

She responded so well, too.

"Thank you so much for all this. What you said makes so much sense. I have been lingering in the gray area. 
All my thinking has been based on fear. The fear of fully committing and it not happening and the fear of quitting prematurely and living with too many what-if's.
I was told I was being obsessive and to "just relax" so much by other that I didn't think about your way. It is indeed a biological drive.
I keep comparing myself to the women in my family who have always been highly fertile. 
I have some soul-searching to do. You don't know how grateful I am to get such sound advice from another woman in such a real way."
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